I called a friend to see if she wanted to go out and get some ass.
Art is classy. We’re near art. Therefore, we are classy. I bet you got that one wrong on the ACT.
I love music.
I’m one of those people who irritates the hell out of people because… I could probably stop there. Thank you for reading my blog. Have a nice week.
Call me rabbit, I go waaaaay down into that hole.
(That joke is too easy, you’re better than that.)
If something gets my attention, it gets ALL of my attention. Too much attention. Stalker-y attention. Music and history (and some guys before I addressed my Daddy issues) are common victims - “I need to know everything Patty Hearst did before and after she was abducted by the SLA.” Aaand there go the next two weeks. “I need to listen to this song/album 135 times and break down every lyric.” Goodbye, March.
I loved this album in the summer of 2005, but I let it go free. It returned to me. We’ll never part.
If you haven’t listened to “Bachelor No. 2” get to it.
I was in a three-way with Aimee Mann’s Bachelor No. 2 and Gwen Stefani’s L.A.M.B. album that summer. We had fun times, and we loved each other, but it turned out to just be an experimental phase. But oh, the Girl Power.
You know Aimee Mann - she was in ‘Til Tuesday. Remember the “Voices Carry” video on MTV?
When I saw that she was going to be performing the entire Bachelor No. 2 album in a historical site/museum city near me, I knew I had to go. My friend from college (we were sor-whores together - that’s sorority sisters for those who don’t know) is well-known for concerts being her hobby. I called her, of course she was in.
We prepped with Thai food and chardonnay.
One must prepare for live music properly. While eating dinner, Dish’s adorable dog, Mabel, ate food that dropped on the floor, some paper, and a matchbox souvenir from Prague. BUT SHE’S SO CUTE. We went to the concert, got rock star parking, talked to Dish’s daughter who was working in the box office, and took our seats, second row balcony. Excellent view. The lights dimmed and it was the summer of 2005 again.
I will never in my life be anywhere near as cool as Aimee Mann.
Great hair? Check. Cool specs? Check. Converse and brown jeans? Plays guitar? Check, check, and CHECK.
I geeked out, sang loudly, bought the t-shirt.
Dish and I headed out into the dark with our two hundred new Bachelor Besties. I put on my progressive glasses made for night driving and we headed for Dish’s house. Did I mention it was dark? And I have to use progressive lenses?
When retaining walls attack!
We drove down Dish’s dark street and got to her driveway. Her house is a mid-century modern gem that is set far back from the road, and there is a 10-foot retaining wall with impeccably placed moss and succulents all over it on the right. I turned left into her dark driveway and immediately ran over a body. Or at least it sounded like it. Three things happened at once:
Dish and I looked at each other and yelled.
The low-pressure tire light came on.
The car started thumping.
Well, shit.
I got the car up the driveway and opened the trunk. Dish said, “What are you doing?” I said, “I’m going to change the tire!” She laughed and was like, “Umm, I don’t think so.” We had to both turn on our phone lights to see. I pulled up the spare in the trunk and there was the weirdest-looking jack I’ve ever seen. It was shaped like a diamond. I held it in my arms for a few moments. No, this relationship wasn’t going anywhere.
Dish was really supportive. And helpful. She was the event documentarian.
It was getting close to 11 p.m., a very convenient time to have a flat, according to 10 seasons of Forensic Files. I called AAA, State Farm, and Current Husband. One of those three entities was pretty irritated and would not be interested in sex. (Yes, it was State Farm.) CH played switchboard operator and got both of them to say they were on their way. When State Farm showed up first, he canceled AAA. What took Reggie minutes would’ve taken us hours and the tire would’ve fallen off the moment I hit the interstate at 1 a.m., also a common scenario on Forensic Files. The tire was fixed.
Let’s recap:
1. Mabel, eats matches, but so cute.
2. Aimee Mann, cooler than I’ll ever be.
3. Retaining walls are assholes.
4. State Farm will no longer sleep with me.
5. CH is awesome.
Keep it down, Wifers. Voices Carry.