WHORETICULTURE FRIDAY: Much like NPR’s Horticulture Friday, my Fridays are full of science and industry, specifically in the fields of OBGYNery, self-maintenance, bush whacking, and other whore-ish related topics.
Happy Whoreticulture Friday, Wifers!
Last week, I was on a work trip and connected with some of my younger co-workers for after-work beverages. After a few pleasantries, it somehow turned to a discussion about bush-whacking.
My drink wasn’t the only thing that was different.
These adorable kittens told me about how they get Brazilians. All of them.
One said she has some electrolysis deal where she went in for a few initial treatments and can now go back forever to get touchups for any weeds that show up on the lot. But she said one of the initial treatments was particularly painful at… the mound… and that the tech was talking with her about rando everyday stuff while this kitten was involuntarily thrusting her hips upward when her follicles were getting shocked into oblivion.
TECH: “So what did you buy on Amazon Prime Days?”
ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
KITTEN: “MY GOD…I got a red-light mask…JESUS…and some magnetic eyelashes…FUCK ME!”
What did I add to the conversation in Brazil? Three things:
Gwyneth Paltrow once said that 70’s bush was definitely coming back. (I think we all agreed that Her Goopness is probably not voluminous in her vajayjay.)
My OBGYN friend said that she once had to put stitches in someone’s labia after the patient cut it shaving her hooch.
Lands’ End skirted swimsuits are on summer clearance and I have my eye on a few.
This convo reminded me of another hairy conversation.
Twenty-five years ago, my high school besties were having an email convo on AOL. After a few pleasantries, it somehow turned to a discussion about bush-whacking. There was a bit of back-and-forth comparison on everyone’s techniques. Then, a brief but panicked email arrived in our inboxes.
“Wait. You gals have all been doing maintenance? I never have.”
She was worried and felt like her prior conquests were all talking about it.
When we were in high school in the '80’s, people didn’t talk often about pooping, farting, or trimming their bushes. I don't know what girls’ locker rooms are like today (I bet you’re relieved) but back in MY DAY we were required to wear school-issued uniforms in gym class and had to take open showers at the end of gym. Gross. Let me tell you, there were NO secrets, and the weirdos were the ones who were styling their junk.
Emails went flying back and forth until she sent us a very constrained message saying something like, “Let’s stop this conversation now and I’ll explain later.” In 1999, you weren’t really concerned about what was sent from your work account, but the IT department in her large corporation had been enjoying our trims for a few hours before they turned her into the boss. He had to call her into his office.
“It’s come to my attention that you’ve been violating our company email policy.”
She sent all of us an email later from her personal AOL account about how basically everyone in IT and possibly management at her multi-state corporation now knew that her hedge was overgrown and had been for some time. They also knew the “Labia Stitches” story. And that one of our sisters had her ass crack waxed. Oops.
SIDE NOTE: I submitted this story to Jane magazine around 2000 and received a very nice reply that said, “We love this story, but have been doing kind of a lot on pubic hair lately and need to hold off for a while. But please send us more material!” LOL.
Thicket or parking lot, it matters not.
I don’t know if I could’ve envisioned the convo with the kittens over margaritas 25 years ago. Who knew there would be decades of tips, techniques, and changing styles on thinning one’s forest?
As with anything in this world, there are extremes. In those extremes, there are pros and cons, so no judgement from me either way. Heck, I’m still waiting for Gwyneth’s 70’s rebush vision to come true. I’m inconsistent in my inconsistency, so you can be sure that you have no idea what’s going on in my hinterlands.
And my Lands’ End skirted suit will never tell.
What about you, Wifers? Will you tell? Thicket or parking lot?
Have a great weekend, Grooming Wifers.