WHORETICULTURE FRIDAY: Much like NPR’s Horticulture Friday, my Fridays are full of science and industry, specifically in the fields of OBGYNery, self-maintenance, bush whacking, and other whore-ish related topics.
I loved my stylist.
In 2006, our family moved to a new city. If you’ve moved, you know what a level-set that is…new neighbors, new teachers, new doctors, new vets, new dentists, new address, new dance classes, new sports teams, new hair stylist… I got REALLY lucky and found my gal J right away. The first time she did my hair the color was kind of chunky. I NEVER go back in, and I went back in.
“I need it to be more blendy.”
She looked perplexed and said, once, “Blendy?”
“Yes, blendy.” We locked eyes for a moment.
She had no more questions. But she fixed it, and it was blendy. Swoon.
Eighteen years later…
…we’d been through all the things. When she dumped her jackass boyfriend, got her two new sibling puppies, her sexy new British boyfriend she met on a mom-daughter Vegas trip when her mom called him over to their table, then her sexy new British husband, and her little nugget Ameri-Brit babies. She heard about my kids growing up and leaving home, my various jobs, all the times I was frustrated with Current Husband, and George the Superpet - when we got him, and when he died.
I called her a saucy biscuit.
She learned not to give me more than one glass of Pinot Grigio. Once, I had two glasses. Then I told her she looked like a saucy biscuit but that I wasn’t hitting on her even though I liked her a lot. After that appointment, I was offered one glass of Pinot Grigio and then water.
But I’m pretty sure she misses my buzzy compliments.
J had seen things.
She saw my ridiculous reaction to poison ivy - multiple times. ( I put in a picture of my arm the last time I had it and decided it was too much. You’re welcome.)
She saw the welts on my face the only time I got Botox.
She saw me get teary when my best friend at the time ghosted me after said friend filed for divorce. I understood, but it still hurt, and J listened to this on multiple appointments.
She saw me when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
She saw me when I started getting these freaky scab things in my scalp and she didn’t vomit.
When she washed my hair and propped me back up in front of the mirror, she endured me saying, “Man, I need to get my chin done.” EVERY SINGLE TIME.
She saw me after I tried to get my chin done, with Kybella, and low results after a huge bullfrog chin. DAMN YOU, KYBELLA.
Fresh hair from J. I’m pretty sure she made me look rested and younger. Girl, it’s hard to let you go.
And then I knew I had to leave her.
CH and I decided to move back to our college town, where we met and fought and fell in love. He could work remotely and I could drive to an office nearby, so we had a big garage sale, sold the house, and moved. I told J we were thinking about moving - of COURSE she knew about it - but I had to cancel an appointment because of a work commitment and then…we were gone.
I ghosted her. I am the worst.
I’m ashamed to say that I ghosted her. I SUCK. I thought about calling her all the time, but I never did, and suddenly a year had gone by, and then almost two. My new person in our new town is sick of hearing about J, but then new person went on maternity leave and I had a work trip back in our old town. The time was right to reconnect. Would J answer my text? Would she take me back? I’m staying with my new person in my new town, but I never got closure with J.
She’s easy like a Sunday mornin’.
She answered, we texted, we’re reuniting next week and it feels so good. Of course, I had to bribe her with promises of Starbucks and gifts, and she’s not doing my hair, but baby steps, people, baby steps. Maybe I can talk her into a quick wash, for old times’ sake. I’ll be sure to mention my double chin.
Here is how I plan to save my ass - and my color:
She’s getting one of these - shhhh - don’t tell her.
Want one of your own? I sell them in my Etsy shop with other sweary plates. You can find this one here: https://shopcottagekitsch.etsy.com/listing/4556142894
Even better? Use the code WIFER15 and get 15% off of your order.
Until next time, Gentle Wifers.